I broke my foot this weekend in a freak accident. I slid on the corner of a blanket I have set up for my dogs and slammed my right foot down on the ground, twisted my ankle, and heard a “snap”. 
While the pain seared my brain, and I sat back down light-headed, in shock, and at the same time I was strangely removed from it all. I had no trouble discerning what this meant and the repercussions of what it might mean down the road.
I went to the hospital with Marc, and the x-ray showed I have something called a Spiral Fracture, otherwise known as a “Dancer’s Fracture”. Trust me, this thing was decidedly not the result of a dainty pirouette.
The irony of this moment was clear.
The morning prior, I chose my daily card from one of my older decks called Wisdom of the Hidden Realms, which I thought would be a great reflection given I am about to release Guides of the Hidden Realms with my own art.
I got the Spiral Dancer.
The Spiral Dancer represents the revisiting of an old pattern, often an old wound that is asking for healing, and an opportunity to do something different.
I kid you not, the Universe was making itself known and I needed to listen.
I immediately decided I’d sit down and do a shadow inventory, but then got too busy. Ah, the busy busy busy bug, another avoidance tactic.
I’ve been writing about slowing down, not hustling, about being worthy. I teach about this. I do shadow work and encourage others to do the same.
I’m offering a class on the spiritual laws of change. I know this stuff like the back of my hand!
But sometimes, the smallest inkling if left unattended and refused can grow into something much bigger. There have been a lot of huge changes in my world lately. Good ones, but a lot of it is very new.
As much as I am ready, I have been ignoring something.
Truth is a little sneaky goblin was hiding in the shadows under my desk, and I got scared of the changes and didn’t admit it to myself. (That’s a metaphor folks, not a real goblin, in case you’re new to my world).
So to escape the little bugger, at the beginning of the year, I decided to get really really healthy, after all, big things are afoot! New life ta-da!
So I embarked on a specific health regime, that included a “gentle detox” (not), that was supposed to make me feel better. Well, that went as well as me trying to float a lead balloon and, as none of it agreed with my highly sensitive body, I promptly got so, so sick I had to quit the whole thing.
Then, rather than deal with what was really going on, I also concurrently decided that I’d plan all the projects I would do in the next 3 years.
Maybe even build a new house, or an art studio off our house, or maybe a garage with a studio on top! Maybe become a Michelin star chef, learn how to climb a mountain, or skydiving! That’s the ticket! (Never mind I can’t even go up a ladder; I’m so weirded out by heights.)
Can you picture the squirrels in my head? I gave myself anxiety. I was completely spun out and couldn’t put on the brakes.
Yes I am the same person who wrote about Shadow work just last week!
All I needed to do was admit to myself I was in uncharted territory and I was scrambling to stay grounded. I was feeling very vulnerable.
My husband runs his own business now, and I am under new management, and I feel like a colt that doesn’t know how to walk. Plus, I’m about to start sharing the art for my next deck that I did over the past two years, and I am so afraid!
And, as a person who spends her entire life committed to helping others, the state of the world reminds me how limited I am in so many ways. And the list goes on…
I don’t like feeling that way. And thank God I have tools, but I needed to slow right down and did the opposite. Hence the “freak” accident.
I share this with you because no matter how far you’ve come, no matter how much work you do on yourself, you may take a detour and land in a metaphorical ditch.
It’s not a sign that you’ve regressed. The spiritual path and self-actualization isn’t about getting it perfect.
Sometimes, it’s an invitation in a strange envelope that will lead you to a gift. The shadow you absolutely know intimately because you’ve done so much work around it already can still trigger something you’d never choose. But, if you’re willing to look closely, you’ll see the gift.
Certainly, as the world spins ever more into chaos trying to control things, finding safety, planning for outcomes, etc., is a natural reaction. We sometimes refuse the call of change unless it comes with cookies and tea and crumpets like the Hobbits wanted in Lord of the Rings. No one wants to leave their comfort zone.
I am both/and – fearless and excited about new adventures and new possibilities for new life, for a revolution of Love to take hold of humanity to make it better for everybody and fearful like a Hobbit in a hole wondering about the butter, depending on the day.
Change is a constant regardless of how you meet it.
There really is no choice in Change; it has its own spirit, with its own laws, where evolution is a given, uncertainty is part of it, and for at least some of the time it’s very uncomfortable. Even if the change is good. The unknown is daunting.
I’m aware that breaking my foot is such a tiny thing in the scheme of things and sharing card art what’s the big deal? I think that when everything is looming so large, it’s easiest to make your own world small and dramatic, banging on a tiny drum screaming into the void even if looking at it seems insignificant once you get some distance but for a moment it’s not to you.
In the end… For me anyway, looking at this foot of mine and the crutches I can barely manage, I will be reminded of what happens when you let necessary self-care be eaten up by a sneaky goblin in the shadows that really needs to be released from an incessant need to prove something, to do something, to produce something to be worthy.
Nor am I good to anyone if I am not operating with a clean filter, mindful of the fears that crop up when I forget about being human.
Being human.. Living the imperfect life. And having a big sense of humor. Yup, that’s what it’s about.
Do you relate at all? Love to hear from you.
