Dear Colette,
I have been struggling with a loss of a relationship that lasted nine years. It ended in betrayal and really no answers as to why or what I did wrong. I’m still in love with this person. I lost my lover, my companion and my best friend. No matter what I do I can’t get over this.
What can I do? Two years of grief, loss and pain is unbearable. The pain has robbed me of many joyful feelings. I have three wonderful new grandchildren and when I’m with them I’m in bliss but then I go home to an empty place the loneliness is too much to bear. Please help. – Still Hurting
Dear Still Hurting,
Sometimes we have partners who betray us. It’s lousy, it’s painful and no matter what answers you may have been denied or even given, the betrayal is theirs to own not yours to endure forever. You don’t know why you were betrayed, but what you do know is it happened and you cannot change it.
You have been feeling and living with the abandonment for two years. When will you allow yourself to no longer suffer for their deeds?
Is the fact that you feel alone when you go home after your joyful time with your grandchildren a result of an empty house or trying to revive the past? Your ex will not be there waiting for you, but the comfort, love and joy you can enjoy from a pet greeting you at the door can do wonders for your homecomings. Giving comfort to an animal can be one of the most nurturing and needed experiences you can have right now.
Have you started dating yet? Make sure you look at all new potential partners as just that—new. They are not your ex so give them a chance to show you how to feel great again.
People come into our lives for a reason and for a season. Our lives are full of seasonal cycles. Allow yourself to let spring and summer into your life. You have been stuck in winter too long.
The choice is yours now. After two years, it’s time to let go. And perhaps you should see a coach or a therapist to learn the root of why you are holding on so tightly to the end, rather than acknowledging what was good with the ex, and what can be good again.
Two books I would recommend you read are:
Back from Betrayal by Jeniffer Schneider, M.D.
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous by the Augustine Fellowship
I hope this helps you move past the loss and into your new life – with hope and joy!
Many blessings,
Colette Baron Reid
The InVision Project
Founder, CEO
intuition-insight-influence
If you have a question you would like to ask Colette, write to her at AskColette@ColetteBaronReid.com. All published questions and answers will be anonymous – we honor and protect your privacy. (Please, Colette respectfully asks that you do not request a reading as the anticipated response to your question.)
I left a 16-year relationship 2.5 years ago. When I left the relationship, I also moved across the country to my hometown thinking that this is where my support system is but that has not been the case. I feel very alone and lonely although no longer brokenhearted. (I’m very thankful for my four-legged, furry friend that I adopted.) However, I have not started dating either, not sure I’m ready or even where to begin as it’s been 20 years since I dated. I work from home so work doesn’t provide me with opportunities to meet anyone, nor does my minimal social life, and dating sites/services hold no appeal. I’m lacking the confidence to get myself out there for sure so I can understand where this person is coming from.
Well said! My opinion? Acceptance of “what is” brings a lot more to our lives than battling against “What might have been…” or “If only….” Acceptance allows us to move forward and enjoy life rather than sitting in our own puddle of sorrow forever and cheating ourselves out of whatever adventures, happiness and time we have left here on Earth. I think the worse crime we commit against ourselves is the wasting of time, whether that’s having no interest in healing our wounds or being completely blind to all the other wondrous blessings that are still out there for us to discover… if only we would look up from the “PP” puddle we’ve been sitting in. I’ve always asked my loved ones: “How long do you want to sit in your own puddle of “P.P.?” (“PP” = Pity Party, of course…)
asked for a sign this morning and there was my answer. Thank you Colette
Beautiful Colette!
Still hurting…. What I have found from my own love/pain experience through three husbands, a Jimmy and a John is the importance of completely loving myself. I have five grown kids with 2 and 7/8s grandsons…. I have done alot of personal growth work throughout the years to remove negative unconscious programs that prevented me from loving myself completely. When I came into that complete (okay 99% of the time) complete love I could and can focus on enjoying and loving my own company. I Love my alone time and when I feel like it get out by myself or with a friend into the world to meet new people and have fun. Colette has a great coaching programs to help people find their inner love of self. Still hurting if you take the steps to find within yourself what it will take to truly love you, I believe you will move past your pain and into a new joy, a new way of interacting with your family, friends and community eventually attracting in a wonderful new partner. You are after all an amazing person and deserve to be happy.
Much love to you allxoxox
Advice I’ve been given:
Connect with your own value system..
Also.its fear holding us back. Fear to let go and try again. The inability to let go of the hurt and betrayal is a crutch , an excuse, to justify fear of the unknown and trying again.
good point I agree 100%
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
I’ve also loved and lost many lovers, but I still take the risk…Now I try to live the moment, enjoying relationships while they enrich my experience of life, and knowing that as we keep growing sometimes we outgrow relationships as well. I still have to go through a grieving process but it is easier to stay hopeful and trust that everything is in perfect order. 😉
My husband of 18 years (together for a total of 24) has cheated and wants to stay together. I put him through nursing school and it seems like since he began this profession, he has forgotten that he has a wife and children. He developed an inappropriate relationship with his charge nurse. I do not believe I have gotten the whole truth from him about this. Last thing said was did I ever think that he wanted me to find out about the relationship so I would end the relationship between him and ‘L’. This way he wouldn’t have to do it. His therapist had told him to end it the next time they worked together. They never had a chance to work together again, but he stayed in touch with her until I found out which was a month or two after he had begun a new job. I am left wondering why he would want to shatter my heart instead of just ending it with her, they were communicating through a Scrabble game. He could have just deleted the app and never look back. With all the lies and deception, I am having a real problem trusting anything he says. I am broken-hearted. I know I would really like to end it in order to strengthen my vibration and rebuild my spirit. He wants to stay. We have 3 children (17, 6, 4). I would have left 4 years ago when his lying and cheating started, if I didn’t have the two little ones. If I wait for everyone to grow up, I’ll be 54. I don’t want to be alone. I also has multiple sclerosis. It’s a real mess. I don’t want to be sad or broken-hearted anymore. Wonder if he will ever be faithful or if he’s just not worth my time.