February is such an interesting month for me. It was February 2003 when I fired off a letter to Marc saying I wanted to break up after dating for a few months, even though it had been the best experience I had ever had with a man.
I even think I sent it via FedEx! (Yes, this was back when email was still not really “a thing” yet, and my computer was a giant beast that made boing-boing noises when I turned it on.)
Before I dive into the whole “I can’t do this” story, let me say: I genuinely have a great marriage with Marc today. I’m happy, I feel secure, we laugh like goofballs, we both value our space and give it to the other, he’s the best kisser on the planet (TMI I know!) and we actually like each other.
He never bores me. He’s smart, and creative, and I admire him. He’s also a man who builds things, and I happen to love a man who knows how to wield a hammer and can build a roof by himself (which he did a few months ago!) We have mutual respect and we are affectionate.
Other than the fact he always has to run the TV clicker and is a bossy Aries to my equally stubborn Cancer, we are perfect. Okay, not perfect, but perfect for each other.
This year marks 23 years together, and it’s working. He’s my forever ride-or-die.
People ask me all the time how I manifested this relationship.
The truth is, I spent most of my life in relationships—or pseudo-relationships—with emotionally unavailable men. Many were unfaithful, many were addicts, and some just weren’t right for me. But dang it, I was going to make them THE ONE.
I also spent way too much time being the only one in the relationship daydreaming about how “they were just scared”.
I had an identity as a victim, which meant I often ended up heartbroken and devastated, more often than I care to count.
Yes, I had severe trauma at 19 and spent my early 20s in self-harm. But I am talking about after I got sober after I’d seen miracles, after I’d done all the spiritual and psychological work.
It took time to be ready for that rigorous honesty required to look at my deepest wounds and see how they played out in my relationships. (Spoiler alert: It’s a lifetime process!)
I had a big revelation one day: I was the common denominator in all my heartbreaks. Hence, I was the one that had to change.
I won’t bore you with the details, but I took a year off and did some hard-core self-evaluation. I asked myself what kind of relationship I really wanted.
Here’s the thing: Life didn’t send me lemons to make lemonade. I was actively seeking out the lemons—on automatic pilot—because those were the only men I was capable of noticing given those were the men I expected.
I had trained and conditioned my mind to broadcast my expectations to the Universe, and so it gave me exactly what I had been rehearsing. I’d joke that if there would be 20 men in a room, I’d magnetize myself to the unavailable heartbreaker and think, “Well if I could love them the way only I could, they’d commit to ME!”
Swooning in the sweet soup of dysfunctional self-denial, right? Ha.
Anyway, back to the letter.
When I met Marc, it was a blind fix-up off the internet—back in the day when online dating was brand new!
We both declared from the start that it wasn’t going anywhere, as I was moving to the UK and he was moving to LA. My head said COME ON, NO. But my heart and intuition whispered This IS going to be different.
He was very respectful, self-assured, and we had great chemistry. Those first three months were the best experience I’d ever had with a guy.
But when he kept talking about his plans to move, I decided it was time to call it quits.
I wasn’t willing to fall for someone who was unavailable—not anymore. Marc had shown me how I wanted to feel and how I wanted to be treated, but I thought it was time to move on. I wanted someone like him, but who was fully available.
So, I thanked him for the best time I had ever had but said we were done. I needed someone open to something deeper—someone willing to take a chance.
For the first time, I felt a shift in myself: self-respect. The change from feeling unworthy to feeling worthy. The courage to risk real vulnerability.
Well, as you can probably guess, we’ve never been apart since the day we met. Marc high-tailed it to my place, and neither of us moved, except into a house together. It was the best decision either of us ever made. And interestingly, we love each other more now than ever. Our relationship has grown and matured as we have grown and matured.
So, what’s the secret? No, it’s not sending a letter.
The secret is this: You have to become the person who can have the relationship you say you want.
- If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always gotten.
- If you think the same thoughts and act on the same beliefs, you’ll get the same results.
- If you keep blaming others, nothing will change.
You need to take responsibility and do whatever it takes to heal the parts of yourself that expect less of yourself.
Ask good questions before getting involved. (For example, here are some I asked as a straight, cisgender woman. Feel free to adapt them to suit your identity.)
- Have you ever cheated?
- Do you love your mom?
- Do you respect women and believe they should have rights?
- Do you believe in monogamy?
- Have you ever hit a woman?
- Have you ever been told you have a problem with alcohol or drugs? Or, have you ever thought you have a problem?
- Do you have healthy friendships?
- Do you have space in your life for a relationship?
But—and this is key—don’t bother asking these questions unless you’re ready to ask yourself why you’d tolerate any red flags that that go against your values.
Decide what you will no longer tolerate, in yourself or in a partner. Take a good hard look at the patterns you keep repeating and experiencing, find your part in them, and create a new vision for yourself.
Act as if you believe it until you actually do.
Remember: Love is never one-sided. Partnership and mutual respect are the best building blocks.
Oh, and be clear when you don’t want to share your ice cream and pie. We get some serious rumbling at my house when that happens…
