The Healing Power of Grief!
Updated: February 1, 2015
Dearest beautiful you,
I’m feeling vulnerable right now. In the cycles of time each anniversary of an important event I, like you, get a chance to revisit and remember how things were, and how we change when we do the necessary work, how we don’t if we keep the resentments and old stories alive. Perhaps you might know what I mean in this letter to you when I ask if you’ve ever let grief break your heart open so you could be more than before?
Today my vulnerability has awakened by a new cycle of grief. It would be my mom’s 87th birthday and also coming in the next couple weeks the anniversaries of both my parents’ deaths. To break my heart open even further, it’s also because this past week we also said our last good bye to my father’s best friend Nick.
I wasn’t expecting to feel so much about it since I hadn’t kept in touch much these last few years. But his death was like the end of an era, the last string that kept our parents tied to my sister and I here in an earthly way. I don’t quite know how to explain this but it brought me back to a deeper grief than ever before. Years of conscious healing, accountability, refusing to see myself as a victim, understanding and forgiveness have prepared me finally to let myself feel it.
Our society doesn’t allow us to own our grief and process it in a healthy way. For our culture it’s an inconvenient time that has an implied shelf life. You have so long “to get over it”, then back to work. Integration of grief as a rite of passage isn’t every spoken about openly. It largely remains unprocessed in our modern cells showing up as disease and other symptoms of repression.
When my parents died (back to back some 25 years ago) I admit I wanted to escape the grief, shielding myself with anger and resentments. I ran as fast as I could forward, only looking back to experience what I allowed, refusing to let the past define me, determined to leave it behind and create my own life.
I grieved as best but as little as I could and only now have I been able to accept that I won’t drown in pain if I open my heart to grief. I get it though- I am only able to receive this today because of something that has set me free. I don’t have to run anymore.
This kind of grief is offered up as a gift, as a sacred thing that can heal and make us whole again. This kind of grief is about grace and forgiveness. It is humility, honesty, and all the messiness of humanity waiting to be accepted and integrated. My Uncle Nick’s passing opened a door long waiting for me to step through.
They were an incredible foursome- my parents and this vibrant couple, Nick and his elegant wife Chounette, sharing a history of war, loss, emigration, new beginnings, children, rich intellectual pursuits and great prosperity. Their companionship spanned continents and lives well lived. Most meaningfully, he and his wife were the only active friends to my parents after my father lost the family fortune. They stayed steady as they watched my parent’s lives deteriorate into sadness, poverty and illness. Uncle Nick and Aunty Choupie gave my parents love, friendship, dignity and certainty as they arrived every Sunday without fail to continue a weekly tradition of friendship that spanned 50 years.
Their kindness and compassion and refusal to show pity were the greatest gift to my family. Every Sunday we saw the proud man return through my Dad’s eyes if even for just a few moments.
When I remember them I am able to see my parents through new eyes -Eyes I did not have when they were alive. Uncle Nick’s passing reminds me of how much meaning threads through the fabric of life.
Human beings are complex creatures, and our lives are never black and white no matter that we get locked in patterns of thinking and trapped in seeing things in 2D.
My mother and myself had a turbulent relationship at best. While she was alive I didn’t have the capacity to see her multifaceted presence. I found a letter she wrote me when she knew she was dying. In it she reminded me simply about how no mother is given an instruction manual. All mothers do the best they can. Her only wish for me was to be all that I was meant to be, and to have the courage to do what she couldn’t.
I can tell you that over the years I have immersed myself in the healing power of forgiveness and I have an extraordinary relationship with her beautiful spirit today. I have no regrets. Yet today I am in awe of how grief can come round again and break the heart wide open. I am more of myself today because of it. My heart is bigger than it was yesterday as a result.
When I say I love you to their spirits. We are all more.
Have a beautiful reflective week! Let me know how you are.
UNIVERSAL ENERGIES VLOG
Hi Colette,
I have had to deal with a lot of people in my life and you are right. There seems to be this expectancy of people to be robotic happy idiots. If your not happy then your depressed and if your depressed your mentally I’ll. Its bizzare, you have been one of the most insightful compassionate people I have known. And we both have similar battle wounds. People who have never experienced anything in life just don’t understand the real world. And the real world is not written in a book. So like you I am not happy about any of the grief I have experienced and don’t think it happened for a reason, but I like to believe I am a lot wiser than most. I wish I could hire you for an entire day and just talk about life.
Love, kirstin
It is very eye opening that the cards you pulled said pretty much the same things that the cards I have been pulling, personally. The past has a way of sneaking up on us! To realize this, in our life, is something that is a big revelation. But to not beat ourselves up about it is hard, not to do. Events in our life are hard not to feel with the thoughts of our past, because we are a product of all that we have experienced. I find it interesting that you mentioned the difference between the ego and our spirit. I, to,can see the difference. Our ego seems to have control and, if we let it, rules our life and the way we feel about situations. I am seeing how it does not let us live our highest good, but only if we let it! It is all about choice, isn’t it?
Brenda
Hi Colette-
I have lost my parents and aunts and uncles who I was so close to and grief is something that does not have a start and finish date. It seems more like a process that gives us so much understanding of the loved ones we have lost and our relationship with them. I think one of the most helpful things someone once said to me in my grief was”do you know what tears are – tears are the volcano of the soul.”
that is so poignant and powerful ” tears are the volcano of the soul”
Hello Dear,
I would like to receive newsletters & updates from your side.
Thanking You.
Regards,
Chetan
Sending you love as you allow your heart to feel and heal …something I ran from for a long time also…and still learning to allow. Your sharing is healing and affirming, thank you Colette. ♥
Colette,
It’s so true that we as children didn’t come with an instruction manual for our parents. We didn’t get any either on ‘how’ to be children. We just were. I too have a beautiful relationship with my mother’s spirit. I say, she died so I could live. I don’t think I would have the life I have today if she were alive. We were just too enmeshed. Like you say, forgiveness is key. Goodbye to Nick, your last parent. Grief takes time and it takes more time if things were complicated. It takes time to make sense of it all if one ever does and then cry. And that’s okay 🙂
May your heart continue to heal Colette and may the grace of God hold you in his arm.
I can identify as I attended my aunt’s funeral last week. She was the last of that generation. Fortunately for me, my mother and I were able to better understand and forgive each other just prior to her death. When I go to a medium it is my mother who comes through as well as my late husband. Apparently they don’t get along any better up there than they did down here, lol. One question I have about reincarnation has been bothering me lately and I wonder if you could be so kind as to answer it. If a deceased relative reincarnates before my death does that mean they will not be there for me when I die? Can a soul be two places at once? The reason I ask this is because I have had signs, messages, etc. from all my close deceased family members except my father. He was the one I was the closest too. Thank you for all your uplifting postings. I have 3 of your oracle card decks and find them very helpful.
I don’t know the answer but there is a really interesting book called A Soul’s Journey by Peter Richelieu (obscure but essential reading) that might help. The soul is not the personality, from my understanding and experience as a medium they show up the way we remember them using their personalities to let us know they are themselves otherwise we would not believe it was them. They do that for our benefit. They don’t fight over there. The soul is vast and not contained the way we see ourselves as separate. This is a big discussion.. 😉
My darling Colette
I too have spent too many years running, it gives me confidence to know I have always had running mates, of sorts.
Any time I ever thought I was alone, my teams (my guides spirits, & angel’s) were just letting me run off some steam!
love
g….
;love the running mates thing. Me too looking back I sure gave the angels a lot of exercise 😉
Beautiful x
Hello my dear friend I started Christmas Day loosing my father to Kidney failure with sceptic
dyalisis was too late…he had stopped peeing two days before he was taken to hospital he was choosing to die this took two weeks to happen
I struggle with my anger at him for doing this while the grief just lays heavy on my heart
One day at a time I open my heart to let out the emotion that builds inside and like a pinhole in a balloon I slowly start to feel better as the emotion flows out I will rejoice when I can refill it with the all the good memories of growing up with my dad
give yourself time.. let it ebb and flow.. and let yourself feel the anger so it doesn’t hurt you later. I have learned that you can’t escape these essential moments that feel scary at first but are truly the way home to our hearts. Big love..
Colette,
Thank you for sharing. I can relate very well to what you have said. Christmas, 2014 was a very difficult time for me and brought so many memories of the many losses I have suffered through the years especially around that time of the year. I am still processing all that came up for me this year and since! Using the cards to find some map to go forward! You are a beautiful person with a wonderful gift!
thanx!! hugs
You know when I had my last real romantic relationship I grieved tremendously and it was the hardest for me to deal with because I had deep emotions regarding this relationship and later it didn’t go well and it hit me hard. I have learned so much from that relationship and also have grown tremendously to a place where I feel much better to know what I want from a relationship and not willing to settle for less. I have grown so much and given my time to be able to focus far more on loving who I am and first it’s just so important to have that real relationship with yourself first and to me I am learning that well.
beautiful post
Thank you, Colette, for sharing and talking about grief – something so many avoid but we all experience. I live in the UK and I think we are even more reticent about talking about death and only in fairly recent years has grief counselling become more available. A few months ago I had a real epiphany, both painful and enlightening at the same time. It did however take me 50 years to get to this point! My eldest sister died following a car crash aged 21 in 1964 and I was aged 10 – both my older sisters were like goddesses to me, always doing something exciting etc. At that time there was very little in the way of counselling and certainly no grief counselling for children. As you say, one is just supposed to get over it and get on. Since then my middle sister has also died from cancer and my mother (who was a real soul mate) died seven years ago following a stroke in her mid-80’s (I was her full-time carer for 2 years, as she had locked-in syndrome). The years since my mother’s death have seen me review my life to date and try and work out why I hadn’t really followed the career path I would have liked, how I choose to marry someone I didn’t really want to! etc. Then about September last year it struck me – I had remained that 10 year-old, who so deeply felt the pain that my eldest sister’s death caused the whole family, that I had spent my whole life, mostly, trying to make decisions that would not in any way cause my family any more pain – in too many important situations going against my own dreams and intuitive instincts! It also becomes clear how this didn’t really help anyway, as I was obviously not happy as a result. Part of the reason for the timing may be that the only close member of family remaining is my 94 year-old father, therefore I don’t need to do it anymore! So now I am grieving for all those years and letting that 10 year-old know that it is OK, she doesn’t have to do this anymore. But excited now about life ahead. Blessings to you, Colette, for all your wonderful insights and inspiration – angels of love, comfort and support surround you always. x (So loving the work on WRLE – all part of the process!) : )
Beverly thanks for sharing this.. I identify too -and know it’s up to me to love that little girl in me who felt abandoned, abused or misunderstood. And sharing this together here in our little tribe is so healing for all of us. oxoxox
Beverly, thanks for sharing this ~ it lit a lamp in me as well. I remember being told that out of all us I had caused the most trouble and heartache (and for anyone who knew my older brother that statement is saying something) especially since I made sure to keep my grades up and kept everything to myself because privacy was a big thing in my family – you did NOT tell people our business! I still struggle today to let people in and to share. One of the things that cracked that open for me was watching my Aunt (we could be twins) isolate and pull further and further away from everyone, even driving herself to her many surgeries (she is full of cancer) and allowing no one in. She called after I had been in the hospital to tell me about a recent surgery (after debating with herself) because she felt my doctor needed to know our history since, in her words, her and I were identical (esp with our medical issues) – this was also how we found out about her cancer. This forced me to get real with myself and really ask: is that how you want to end up? (don’t get me wrong, I love her dearly but know myself enough to know that could easily be my path – totally isolated and closed in, denying more and more of myself so that no one is hurt by me in any way – hence what you were saying above but to the nth degree – you get to a point where you feel like you don’t do anything right.)
The other issue in all of this is the whole “sky is falling” mentality. Aside from the fact that my parents lost two children, my Mom is from Belfast and has lost family due to the fighting etc (no need to go into it but many can relate) so any time anything comes up she just naturally goes to the “worse case scenario.” My brother and I try to fight this but I find it happening more and more ~ just today something came up (she’s usually the instigator – a cold is never a cold it is often pneumonia and it has been left too long – that kind of thing) and I felt myself getting twisted up inside: oh no, what if its this and I should call so&so and how much is that going to cost… And I said to her: I think I should call so&so and she said: “There it is, always overreacting because you never (emphasis) do that!” And I thought: gee, wonder who I get that from? *sigh* The things we pick up and the layers we keep peeling back. I’m working on it though.
Thanks for sharing and for shedding even more light into the dark places. (I like Debbie Ford so I’m not afraid of the shadow, I’m cool with dealing with this stuff – better now than later. 🙂 )
both those are mine too – NEVER speak about the family and the Sky is Falling .. and my mom was the isolate.. didn’t want anyone to know her stuff, even until her deathbed she couldn’t share her personal feelings other than fear and anger which she just shielded herself with. We are both free now.. and the shadow is the place to find the deepest healing. thanx for writing. xox
Colette:
My mom has been gone since 2002, my dad since 1991. There are moments when I miss them so much, especially my mom, that the pain feels raw and new. From the moment she passed, I felt orphaned. All of the things I thought were wrong with her parenting, and all my own baggage that I blamed her for, dissolved the moment I was told of her passing. She was scheduled to go into a nursing home on Monday, something she said she never wanted to do, but which my older sister (who had power of attorney) pushed through. She died on Saturday. She had been perfectly healthy the day before that. No one will ever again be able to tell me that people can’t choose when they want to die. The point is that I felt all alone and without someone to show me the way even though her ability to do so had gone along with her mind way before then. To this day her birthday, coming up in March, Mother’s Day, her wedding anniversary, Christmas (my dad’s birthday) all bring back that pain and feeling of abandonment even after all these years. On the other hand, now that I am 65, there are moments when something will happen and I clearly understand in a flash what she went through in her own life and why she parented the way that she did, an a-ha moment so clear it brings me closer to her now than when she was here with me. Pain teaches, and loss moves us to a different place in our lives. The trick is to be the one to choose where that place is. Blessings and love.
Barb this is interesting as the pain is the echo of the past. the stimulation of the subconscious that stored all the info and crammed it into a 2D image. It’s amazing when we get the flashes of insight through the pain, outside of it, underneath it. Those are the truest moments. It’s up to us to let go the stories that hold us hostage and choose love.
Dear Colette
Thank you for sharing your grief and healing. When my ex-husband died last summer, I had to devote so much energy to holding sacred space for all his/my children (he had 6 all together) that I was exhausted for months. He died in July; we (the children and I) did a ceremony for him in December. What I relate to most in your essay this week was the weird idea that grief has a time line — well, in America, you apparently get 5 days off to accomplish all the things you have to do, and that’s it. Back to work. My daughters were exhausted too, mourning without being given space or time.
Even though we were divorced for 4 years already by the time he passed, his death opened up new layers of grief for me, but it was also a chance to really let go and heal from the hope that one day we might be able to cooperate again, to see each other without regret. Honestly, I don’t miss him much, but have a lot of very fond memories that outweigh the bad ones.
in deep gratitude for your work
ellen
Grateful for your words. It’s so true the 5 days for grief syndrome. Grief is such a beautiful experience once we get past the final stage of it. The opening and the integration of wisdom is essential for freedom. hugs to you
Good Morning Colette….The cards are sooo right on. Everything from the ego (which I was thinking last night that if it doesn’t balance with Soul it’s gotta go or at least simmer down) to giving away my power. This is my go-to site ( I do the cards every couple days or when I need answers). Thank you for your continuing work and sharing what really matters to everyone for spiritual growth.
you are very welcome
Hi Colette,
Thank you so much for writing down your thoughts and opening your heart and soul to others.
I would like to thank you for this writing on grief and loss and ask if I might share it with my grief group?
The very best to you,
Pame
I would be so honored if you did 😉
Once, there was a little girl who could infuriate every last fiber of the Mother until—kaboom! She never had a clue, not one idea, what she had done to cause such a display! The father stayed out of it. Until the Mother dragged him into it — then the slap on the thigh, the silence that followed as The girl hid the tear tears and muffled the sobs in her pillow.
Such a familiar story! An experience of a lifetime ago. Yet it set the stage for the lifetime that followed.
And you forget those childhood sorrows. You try for an adult relationship. Yet you cannot be with them for long without loosing, year by year of your adultness and revert back to that child within.
Then they become ill. And they pass to the other side. With hope, you search for thier voice among all the others that you hear—the ones from beyond. And it is there! That’s where the feeling of being an orphan disappears. That’s where the years of rebbelion are understood. That’s where the words you hear are those of love. As joyful as it is, there are days when you are engulfed with sorrow for time gone, time misunderstood, time unfulfilled, time misspent. The orphan remains a child. The orphan must weep. The orphan must do what the little girl, what the teenager, what the young woman could not do. The orphan must let it go. The orphan must understand. The orphan must fulfill. The orphan must occupy. The orphan must cling to courage. The orphan must cling to hope. The orphan finds her place in stillness and solitude. And the voices whisper “I love you” with laughter.
The orphan archetype is a main one for me and I sense many in this tribe. Without all this .. the orphan remains an orphan. But with it she becomes a beacon of light.. a leader in the dark for others. Thanx for sharing your words 😉
The first few cards explained exactly how I have felt this week. I felt understood. Then the last card made me tear up because I have been struggling to get connected, knowing I was so close. Now that I see things in a more positive light and remember how I have control, it all fell into place. I felt relief. Thank you for being so intuitive.
What a truly beautiful message Colette…your words touched me deeply as I reflect on my life….my joys AND my sorrows. There is no instruction manual on grief… Well actually there probably is one on a kindle or through google… But not an innate understanding of the process and benefits that grief can bring. Grief allows the soul to heal…to grow …to feel. Feelings as a rule are not embraced by society … At least not all of them… Everyone is supposed to be some version of ‘ok’ fine or good. Anger is not allowed or frowned upon…sadness over loss has a timer that society sets and the ‘ding”‘arrives when our culture says so. I am grateful today to sit quietly in my snowstorm and reflect and immerse myself in feelings. As i sit on my bird and look down I can see that little girl who was always afraid to feel. Covering it all up was my story…”Was” being the opportune word
…but old patterns die hard and “I’m fine” is a common default for me…feeling and processing grief … No matter how small the cause may seem… Coupled with forgiveness and faith … Will not only make my life more authentic but will allow me to be more available and real to be of service to others. thank you Colette for sharing your soulfulness with us… Feeling blessed … Xo love you
beautiful note.. thanx for sharing 😉
Dear Colette,
Thank you for the reminder and permission! Grief is this beautiful, ongoing gift that keeps showing me the importance of allowing. It shows me, daily, the preciousness of everything. There has been a lot of death around lately; with my daughter in laws accidental overdose and others…by only 6 degrees of separation. How interesting to learn to live with a heart broken open, as often and as much as I can. The ebb and flow of life; things dying allowing for birthing and re-birthing.
Heartfelt wishes for you to have peace in your heart as you travel this path of “rights of passage”.
Many blessings for the work you do.
Mary
hugs… love that you said “rights” instead of ” rites” .. not sure if you meant that but in fact its true we need to claim our right to feel.. so that we can honor the rituals that make meaning for us.. oxox
Colette, Thanks so much for your beautiful comments on grief. I lost my husband almost exactly two years ago. I am just now coming to grips with his tragic death…suicide. In the last month I have been to three funerals – all family and friend related. Somehow this last month has broken my heart open even more and allowed me to sit with the loss of my spouse in a deeper way. So I understand how the timing of certain people’s passing can re-open old wounds and perhaps heal a piece that has been covered over due to our inability to face it in that moment. We are blessed with connections to that person which help us remember – and perhaps this time with a more forgiving and compassionate heart. It is truly a blessing to be able to reopen our hearts and heal another piece, but the feelings can be so all encompassing that you fear you will fall into a deep hole and never be able to climb out. Thankfully friends and family are the life boats we can go to when the feelings are overwhelming. I so appreciate your willingness to share your authenticity……it is a very endearing quality, and perhaps the reason you are in the position to share with so many others. Thanks for your candor and your beautiful heart.
One thing we need to know – we won’t fall into a dark hole.. all of them can be scrambled out of 😉
Good Morning Colette,
Thank you for your clarity of reading. You, and the cards, have given me much to think about. I had an unanswered question that I, just now, am able to put to rest. Twelve years ago my mother died, six months later my husband died. Did I get all of that awful grief out of my system back then? Am I still haunted by it? The answer is yes, I got all of it out back then but it will always come up again and again.
I will deal with what comes up when it surfaces and when I get reminders. I’m not going to worry about ‘Did I get all of the grieving for my mother out before Wayne died?’ Thinking back, it all came out together. Now I just get separate reminders of her or him. Now when I get those reminders I just try to ‘visit’ with them.
Gosh does that even make sense? Heck I’m posting it anyway.
Thank you for all you do, Colette!
totally lolol
Dear Collete, As a child of holocaust survivors your story and process is very meaningful to me. Your comments today were totally apropos. My 82 year old mother moved in with me and my husband about 5 years ago. If I had not done all the decades of work of healing and growing before she moved in she would definitely be living in some hovel sharing rent with some other seniors and eating cat food. But here she is and generally I am managing pretty well. I have set clear and strong boundaries that my years of work with extremely disturbed patients trained me to set so it’s not crazy here in my home. But inside I have been struggling because every day that I see her I am reminded of (triggered by) how incapable she is of noticing anyone but herself. And on the occasion when she does notice me she is licking her lips all the while. She was an incredibly inspiring and encouraging person in my life while at the same time hugely intimidating and overwhelmingly devouring. As you mentioned in your post, it’s complicated. Because she lives with me now I have the opportunity to even more deeply process and heal our history. It is not easy. And I admit that I have been hiding under the food for a while now. Added to this, seven years ago I found my “run away” father, a survivor of Auschwitz etc. after 49 years and that’s a been another amazing but very difficult opportunity for healing and growing. Again, I would be dead now if I hadn’t been healing and growing for years before this. I have been unwittingly killing myself with food for the last few years. I did a lot of healing around the food before all of this but these two big changes brought me back to the old patterns of hiding in the food. I am so grateful to have found your book and your program WREL for several reasons. I really needed a new and fresh way to approach the food. I needed to find a way to have fun working on it because the food was too much fun in a bad way. I was in just too much emotional difficulty to only use the many and powerful tools I already have. I was using my tools but I was in too much despair. Even though I would come up for air and I know that I would have ultimately prevailed, it was just so damn hard! I love how honest you are. So many of my most incredible teachers pretend that they are above “the stuff”. They pretend that they don’t have stuff to process anymore. It seems they think that if they reveal themselves that the things they teach won’t sell as well. As a 12 stepper I know that revealing process is the most inspiring way to sell a program. When we see how “it” works then we feel like we too can work “it”. Like all empaths and sensitive persons, I can see through the BS. I can see when someone is pretending. I can still embrace the teaching but I can’t for the life of me figure out why the teacher has to hide. When someone has the courage to reveal how they use their process they always look stronger to me than when they are pretending everything is “fine”. And last but not least I love the community you have created. It is so upbeat and happy and encouraging and loving and FUN!!! So from the bottom of my heart I thank you Colette for everything you have creating and everything you continue to create!! I am so grateful to have found you! Sending much love and gratitude, Delilah Praete
what a great post. My mom was a survivor, my grandfather was killed in Dachau. So there is a whole lotta baggage there that we both know takes a lifetime to sort through. I admire how you’re handling this with your mom. I was so terrified my mom would end up with me – of course today it’s different but the triggers still come up just by her memory. SO happy you’ve found us in WRE Lite. As per the ” enlightened” teachers. I haven’t met one yet that doesn’t have any baggage – maybe some denial (wink). The 12 steps demand rigorous honest. That’s the only truth I have.. and it’s just me carrying a light on the path whistling in the dark, holding hands with you all. oxoxoxox
Colette, thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling over the past 4 months. My fiancé Bill died the end of October very suddenly, and the grief I’ve been feeling has been overwhelming at times. I realized that I was also reliving the grief of my mother’s death some 26 years ago. I also ran from it, never looking back, unable to deal with the pain at that point. But here was another opportunity to heal. My heart has been cracked open and layed bare, and what a gift that is. I’m having radical gratitude for all that is here. The grief comes in waves. I have a choice to ride the waves or allow them to carry me under if I resist feeling it. I have done both, at times feeling like I was falling in a very deep dark hole. There I cried out to spirit to help me; I couldn’t do it alone.
I communicate often with Bill, and he told me that this experience was going to make me a better healer, and that he could help me more from where he was than here on earth. He also said I was not meant to be alone, and that he would send someone to me–and he has! I can sit with both, feeling the grief that is still here, and finding the wonder in a new relationship that I never expected or looked for. Now I don’t push away the grief, but allow it to grow my heart.
Thank you dear sister.
xoxo
Thank you collette! Today I made a conscious step forward. Hidden between the lines came the understanding “I wanted to escape,shielding myself, I ran as fast as I could forward,only looking back to experience what I allowed,refusing to let the past define me,determined to leave it behind” I left the emotion out believing I am stronger but perhaps I just wanted to escape. This excerpt is really revealing how far and strong I truly have become. The self doubts are just the ego trying to regroup or reattach itself to bring me back to old (HOLD) patterns. The more we step into awareness the stronger EGO holds us. That’s what they are HOLD patterns
yep just the 2D patterns that repeat and distort the truth… feeling the feelings makes us stronger… then there is no need to run, no need to hide..
Dear Colette,
I am fairly new to your words & insights. I have loved having the card reading each day. It’s a form of spirituality for me. I often need to find “my place”. This letter you post on grief…I have no words to thank you. I have been searching…missing my grandma…missing a child we lost in a car accident 2 short years ago…watching people close to me lose their family & friends…my heart has been breaking.
Thank you.
Much love…
Renee’ E
Dear Colette,
I love your blogs and being a part of the tribe. It’s better than group therapy because I can finally connect with Spirit without the fear instilled by past boxed beliefs.
Thank you for speaking about grief this week. It resonated to me as I experienced a rare illness from many many years of pent up grief. For me, those emotions blocked energy that turned into illness. Forgiveness is fundamental in my being able to evolve for my highest good and something I work on daily. My mom is still alive and if it wasn’t for finding your website, books, classes (or Spirit leading me to find you) I would have been stuck in same pattern of grief, anger resentment over turbulent past with her. I now embrace her & say I love you mom, I forgive forgive…let’s get together. So thank you for giving me back my mom. Peace & Light always ✌
Hi Colette
Why does this have to be so painful and so much sadness .My mom passed away 14 months ago. Yesterday would have been her 69th birthday. I find myself entrenched in this sadness and pain. I keep asking myself this why am I feeling this. Mom is no longer in pain, and she does not have to suffer anymore .We were able to repair our relationship before she left and she left me with many tool and insights for my journey ahead. I know I was loved with all of her heart, so why am I still feeling so sad?
Julie
it’s part of being human… grief needs to be processed so that over time we can break open to be more of who we need to be. 😉
Walking on in the rain… when the sun is shining… so well epitomizes our life for the last 7 months… losing a pet of 13 years was hard to swallow, but loosing a younger brother of 57 years, tragically and suddenly three months ago, just took my breath away. Actually, it was the first time I ever felt my heart beating outside my body. No anticipation, no clues, nothing! And while forgiveness has taken hold, there is nothing thus far that totally takes away that feeling on a Monday morning, waking up that dreadful day to find what was an apparent suicide note in my early morning email reading. Be strong, carry on, he said! So I have, with respect to his wishes and forgiveness that he made the choice he made. Both my parents died 22 and 15 years ago and both expected. There is such a difference of experiencing a death that is expected to one that is not. I have a new respect for those who lose someone suddenly and tragically. It is indeed a very different set of feelings and one I hope to never again experience. While I thought I had been making great strides, your message this morning apparently re-awakened some feelings tucked away deep inside. More work to do! More time, perhaps!
As Always, Thank You! <3
Blessings of love and light to you, Colette. Your post is beautifully stated and heart-healing; Godspeed on your journey. A million thanks for sharing so completely of yourself… Sending a cyber hug to you this day.
Thank You Colette! He will stretch you but not break! Hugs Julie
Thank you Colette for opening your heart and sharing your grief so that we may have permission to allow grief to come up and out in a culture that prefers we stuff it down. My mom passed over 5 years ago now and she was my favourite person in the world. It took 5 years to be able to look at a picture of her without being overwhelmed by grief though 2 years in, I felt the love we shared take residence in and around me during meditation and the darkest days of grief felt behind me. So, a few weeks ago when I was looking for a picture I came across a particular picture of mom and such extraordinary grief came up unexpectedly and I couldn’t stop crying for 24 hrs – literally stopped just like that. I feel I was finally able to just allow and process the grief without judging it but I still had the lingering thought “Jas, I thought your were over this, you can’t share this with anyone”. But I did share it and that was new for me. So, I thank you for writing this post because any lingering guilt I had or thoughts I should be over this, you gave me permission to feel it if and when it comes up. Thank you – with love and blessings! Jas
big blessings and thanx for sharing your story too
FINALLY! No one explained it better than you. I accept what I’m going through right now. See, I was meant to read this today. THANK YOU UNIVERSE and Ms. Colette.
“A rock feels no pain; and an island never cries”. Simon and Garfinkel
This would describe me; not to say that I am not “human” or have not grieved, but I have not
had the luxury to stay in that place for long. I remember when my father died;
his sister saying at the funeral, ” Be brave”. My best friend and her husband coming
to visit and saying “You’ll have to get through it”. My father was an alcoholic, and he
loved me dearly, so I was heart-broken, and also felt some guilt as I was told repeatedly
that I could speak to him; he would listen to me. I “knew” that I could not control, or cure
this disease. I was only 28 at the time. Ten years later, I received a message that my mother had
passed; at a birthday party. I was the executor and had to plan the funeral for the following day.
Being strong was what I always expected of me. There were not others to lean on; or support me.
When I was struck by a jeep, that was the most tumultuous time of loss, and vulnerability I had
ever experienced, next to losing my home to a flood, where I grabbed a suitcase and wheeled it
behind me for over a month or so until I found another space to rent. No time to grieve; I had to
cope with this ending; and work as if nothing had occurred. I remember the owner of the business
I worked for saying, “It’s not a good idea to discuss this matter, it’s not good for business”. That really
felt unkind, and I told her that I did not appreciate that comment. So I just carried on, every few days
visiting another guest suite. Somehow these passages of death, loss, vulnerability provide the fuel
that leads us to discover our soul’s purpose and to have the greatest impact on others in a compassionate way.
The accident/collision ; revealed to me that I am not my home, job, family,
bank account, body and introduced me to my “soul”. I had been released in that moment and was a
part of a larger story being orchestrated by something much larger and more integrative than I could control old moi”.
Learning to crawl, and to reclaim the use of my body was a monumental, painstaking process which taught
me about being patient with my own “being”. I could no longer rely on the outer definition of who I thought
I was. That was terrifying for me. Not being in control, inching along alone (of course) like a turtle without a
shell, w/ no protection. I couldn’t run, which I usually always did. My world was in slow motion. So I learned
that “going slow does get you there faster”. I had to let go of everything and focus on my own healing.
I have to say that all of the above times of loss, transition, were times of transformation as a new definition
was being born regarding my personhood. ” I am myself, myself alone” William James This is how I have
learned to trust, to have faith, that even at the darkest hour, something is being worked out, and I am being
prepared for what is next. The most significant losses were the teachers that showed me how to appreciate
all of the shades of life. The deepest appreciation of the moments of this life; are the result of the deepest losses.
Even death can be a celebration of life in a new form.
“The dark background that death provides brings out the tender colors of life in all their purity”. George Santayana
Renee:
What Life!
The composition of yours is an Inspiring Blessing.
Thanks, for being….
What a LIfe! : )
If I blink I might miss it, LOL
LOVE
Thank you Colette, your words always strike a place deep within me, a place I have hidden. Life gives us so much pain because life also has given us so much to love. it’s the healing and the need to face the truth honestly that i have so much difficulty with. Your words make me go there and keep trying.
Compassionate and so filled with empathy Colette, you are as the oxygen I need many days to go on.”… all the messiness of humanity waiting to be accepted and integrated”, how strongly I felt that presence as I read your blog. The loss, the abandonment, the anger, the forgiveness, and the small break through moments of self-love you bring out in my life, is so healing. So many losses at this age of approaching seventy, yet I find the ability to go on and love, and choose to love, your words have touched me so deeply, inexplicably. The loss of my husband six years ago was the worst of fourteen family members. I could not grieve, I could not cry for five long years. Then January 2014 I lost my oldest stepson, who I had cared for, for two years. The tears flowed, understanding set in, and it seemed I could hardly distinguish between the messages from him, and from my husband. The messages were always the same, celebrate our time together, grieve without withholding, and love, love, and love with abandon. I did and indeed it has been healing. I cannot thank you enough for your sharing of love, and helping me and others realize the blessing in the tapestry we see below in this physicality. It is truly sacred, as are your words and works. May every door open yet more love for you!
Hi Colette…
Thank you for your honesty and integrity. It takes both to acknowledge the pain of grief. I am an astrologer and a funeral “In-House Celebrant”, someone who helps grieving families and then ministers at their loved one’s service. I also am a funeral musician. I’ve done this since I was 14 (I know…not necessarily work for a “child” but…as life would have it…it called….I answered…and the rest is history). Watching people grieve is sort of my modus operandi…and let me just say, that if ANYTHING connects us as human beings, it is the feeling of grief….for it is so personal, and at the same time SO universal….but as I say to my “families”…there IS no “one right way to grieve!” It takes as long as it takes…and the layers and levels of grief that “pop up” throughout the years hit us when we least expect it. However, IF we but allow it, our integrated grief can one day turn into JOY….So….just LOOK at how much you’ve grown and what you’ve FOSTERED within Self and Others. And, because of it, you’re humanly accessible, relate-able and REAL! That, my dear….is a GIFT you gave your SELF. BRAVISSIMO! Thanks for all you do, and I’m not sure you could have done this for all the people you reach, if you have not experienced this your Self. Blessed BE!
so true.. I have turned my experience into something for others….and you are right the kind of Joy that comes from grief is cosmic.. and words don’t do it justice.. it is all things and everywhere within us
Hi Colette
I want to thank you for writing about this topic today. My daughter Chantal passed away in July 2012. I also can communicate with spirit and I felt her soul leave the minute she took her last breath. We have had much communication from her since she passed. Two months after she died she came to me asking me to write about her journey. I honored her wishes and was able to create this book. During the time I was writing I had much communication from her and I thought I was handling my grief. Now after 2 years and the book is out there I am having a more difficult time with grieving her loss. The cards you pulled were interesting. I always call on archangel Michel for protection but I also feel at times I am going backwards rather than moving forward. I just can’t seem to get motivated as I was last year. I have spoken to friends who say they feel the same thing. I have read that some of the changes come from our planets. Is it because of what is happening in the universe or is it because I need to take the time to go through my grieving? I just want to feel motivated again.
it all has a natural course and right now it is mercury retrograde and indeed the planets are doing a dance and asking us to resist old wounds and patterns to set us free. Losing your child is so painful. Just remember grief comes and goes like the tides of an ocean -honor the ebb and flow. BY the way my book Messages From Spirit and my TV show of the same name in Canada ( (Vision TV) may bring you great comfort. ( I see your title is similar.. a sign! ) xooxoxx
mom passed on set 28 ,2013,just shy of her 88 bday.
she came from a family of great faith of pray, which god granted her to return to stay near,
she comes by my bed side too let me she is around,also see her especially over the summer
in the form of chickadee bird with her other siblings who passed before her,8 or 10 together feeding on the bird seed I put out for them,i have two small solar ornaments the shape of chickadees I have on my dresser which light up when I feel down,i grab it say hi mom thanks for coming,say hi to all the family. in the morning I blow kisses to her and at nite before I go to bed.i try to go to mass in honour of her faith now that I see the reward.
Keith,
I LOVE when positive spirit comes through; it is so healing.
Blessings of sunlight … keeping the memory green (alive), amen.
Have a Good Day! : )
I am sorry to hear about the passing of your uncle. Your words came through to me as I recently lost by brother in December 2014. We often are expected to grieve briefly and go on and be happy. With my brothers passing it opened up old pain related to my Mom’s passing six years ago.
I normally would not share more than once, however I just received an E-mail that a cousin, aged 60
shot herself. Her husband found her. She was struggling with Multiple Schlerosis and could not cope
with the challenges of her illness. She lived Arizona. Am feeling somewhat stunned.
hugs
Sorry, to hear that, Renee:
Strong Blessings!
May Angels of Protection comfort all in need of them ….
Thinking of you, Blessings : )
(((Colette)))
This was timely today because it would have been my older brother’s birthday as well (and my great-grandmother’s). He was killed when he was 26 and I especially feel this day because my birthday is tomorrow.
I know exactly what you’re talking about here because I just wrote something similar on the weekend after some “comments” were made. I don’t think people realize just how “raw” we can feel, even we don’t always realize how raw we are when we’re in it. The end of January can be a hard one around here as we travel through the anniversaries of the loss of my Father, then my sister and then, as I said, my brother’s birthday today. Grief is a lot of things and definitely a journey, one that is different from year to year – some years we walk the path in smiles and remembrance and other years it seems a tsunami of tears will overtake us. People say it gets easier but I don’t think that’s true, it is just a different part of the journey and that’s alright because that’s what life is and as you said here: it opens us to even deeper parts of ourselves – and another side of this is the truth that we are not alone.
Be gentle with yourself, today. Much love.
A.
I didn’t see a way to edit that – just noticed that you posted this on Feb. 1st ~ as I’m replying on Feb. 2nd I meant today (though I’m sure you got that ~ see this is part of it. That brain fog then overanalyzing and overcompensating instead of just allowing…its been one of those stretches of the path this year for me.) Oh well…sentiment remains the same. 🙂
As you say, Autumn, supporting Colette’s philosophy – we learn about another facet of who we are. Experience. It is not whether we win or lose it is how we play the game …. of Life – of meaning, of being.
Blessings
LOV: )
Feb 1 is also my mother’s birthday. She would have been 95. Your message clearly spoke to my heart and to the grief and guilt I feel. I was my mother’s caretaker in my home during her last several years, after she suffered 2 strokes. I was divorced and working full time, and the care of her was such a burden to me. She never felt I did a good enough job. Her siblings also were critical of the time I could spend with her. When she finally was taken to a nursing home to receive 24-hour care, I remember the guilt that I felt. My mother and her sisters had taken turns caring for my grandparents in their homes until their passing at ages 99…. but this was something I could never do for my mom, since I worked and had no siblings for support. I did the best that I could. I guess I will never come to terms with my guilt, but your column helps. Thank you.
O Cat.. here is what I know for sure. Your mom would have gone over to the other side , had her life review and would have wanted to say how sorry she was and how much she wants the best for you. Even the nastiest people in life have come through me to help heal the ones left behind. Trust me on this. The guilt serves no one. Grief and humility knowing you did the best you could under the circumstances. That’s all that counts. Love is everything. What she couldn’t do in life I am sure she is sending you now through my hand. oxoxox
Hi Colette,
Yes, the old stuff seems to be coming up as we shed the shadow in our transformation. I love your stories about your family, and how as an adult you can view it all differently. Recently, some question about incest with my father and repressed memories/emotions has come up for me. That would have been over 55 years ago. I’m going slow with all this, but your work has helped me so much in all areas of my journey. Thanks for sharing and I’m sending you love and light, dear friend.
Cathy Corn, RN, RM, LMT
Thanx for sharing that.. never stops this healing ! Good thing there is lots of laughter too even with the unthinkable things that happen to us… there is that too xox
Hi Cathy
You are not alone. I just faced a similar thing in my family and i’m now 49. I think i always knew there was inappropriate behaviour but this is the first time I’m actually facing it. I allowed myself to reveal it in my healing circle with 3 other ladies. And they were very supportive. I also heard later that it brought up similar pain that they had buried maybe not the exact same situation but a shadow they were not facing. I hope you are doing ok!
Love and Healing to you.
Safena
Colette, Thank you so much. ♥
Dear Colette
Thank you for sharing your feelings and wisdom. When you write about your feelings it unites all of us. Stay brave and generous it really does make a difference.
And please take good care of yourself.
Much love to you.
Safena
Dear Colette,
When my Mom passed 19 years ago on 2/6 I had to find her. I was raised Jewish and did not know about anything other than my one sister believed in reincarnation and had been read by a medium. I asked if she would let me know when her Medium was in town. He lived in the UK. She did and he came to San Diego and I went for his introduction session. He gave snippets of readings for a few in the audience. He came to me and blew me away with his accuracy! I have been reading books on all things metaphysical ever since, but even as I learned about what was really going on through the years since her passing (spirits, numerology, energy, etc., etc……) it took me a few years to really forgive her for being physical with my sister and I. In those days it was called spankings, today it would be called child abuse. “Might” does not make “right” in my book. I have forgiven her and she is around all the time. The other night I was crying and I know she was right next to me trying to give me comfort. I am so grateful I can perceive her and that we are best friends as well as mother and daughter. Her gift to me was metaphysics and all it contains. I recently thought to add her birth numbers. I am a 29/11 and so is she! Who knew?? I was not surprised!! I so love your everything!!
Gail
very cool!
Greetings Colette,
.I am a first timer but your post on grief so resonated with my heart that I had to respond. It caught me by surprise. It never occurred to me that grief had anything remotely to do with healing. I’ve been feeling so bad since the recent passing of my mother on October, 2014. I had been her caregiver for several years and we had grown closer as a result. She turned out to be my best friend.. I feel my mother’s presence and I feel she is helping me grow through this.
Thank you so much for giving me a higher perspective on grief. I look forward to the breaking open of my heart and my healing which is on its way
Dearest Colette,
Wow, I could feel the grief you feel. I went through something similar in November. November is a tough time for my family. We lost so many Males in our lives in that month. I replied to one of your previous articles and told a long story. What I would like to say today is that my father passed away when I was 12. I was then living with my Mum and Step-Dad. I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral and never really felt as if I had said goodbye. After my father passed away, my Grandfather who had come to South Africa from Belfast, Northern Ireland, left and went back “home”. He remarried and I went to visit him twice. The relationship between my Grand father and my father was rough to say the least. However rough though, he felt that he had no ties to this country after my father passed. No ties… what about me? His only grand child. Well over the years he withdrew even more and only his wife was a contact. He wanted nothing to do with me. He said the pain of what my father did to him during his life was shown in my face and it was too painful for him. So I continued my life, still “loving” him from afar. He is my blood after all. So then I received an email from his wife to say that he had passed away. I cried so much. I discussed it with my fiancé and figured out that it was the last link to my father. I wish him love and light and I know that he will finally be at peace (for a man that was so mentally tortured by his “family”). He will meet up with my father and his family and understand and be loved once again.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
Much love, always
Jax
I am so sad today as my husband and I have been trying endlessly to help our sick dog Cali. Cali is a Boston Terrier, Jack Russell mix and she is twelve, thirteen in March who has liver cancer, her little belly is so distended and we’ve been to several vet and specialists and there is nothing they can do. We keep her as comfortable we possible. This brakes my heart to pieces as she is our world, our love and our life. She is the most precious four-legged baby and so sweet. I keep trying different foods and with so many medicines she looks so sad. She loves car rides, sharing ice cream, sleeping in my arms like a baby, baths, licking my face in the morning and before bed, she sleeps with her head in my hand as my arm is stretched out in bed. We are so much alike, sassy, sensitive, protective and love each other to the moon and back and we both know it. I know it is coming soon and no I am not ready to let go. She has given me so much love. I feel so numb and so sad, I’ve been down this road before, my dog Tay, a Lab-Shepard lived to be fifteen and I cried for two years.
Keep me in your prayers.
just keep loving her and try not to be sad before its her time. This is the gift of our four legged companions. They break our hearts open when we adopt them then again when we witness their passing. We are more because of their love. You are in my thoughts and prayers. oxoxx
K:
Strong Blessings : )
I have been giving Love to my pups as Colette had blessed me with and it helps them heal. Me, I, surround them will healing light such as blue (protection), gold (wisdom), green (health), pink (love), and white (brilliance/heat of the higher power). I prayed for my boy’s neck – his glands, actually both sides, but enormously on one side (vet visit, 2 days in hospital, medication this past week) – to surround by healing light – like reiki, I was hoping, but limited to my ability which is to focus on him. The love part included gentle touch and whispering “I want you to be well, I want your neck/gland to heal”. We have a long way to go however some of the swelling has subsided, the disposition has improved, but the injury is still there. I continue to pray it will entirely become normal. We are trying to avoid surgery but to not be inappropriately reliant on medication.
If there are any “light healers” or reiki healers that are willing to send any of us “healing” (blessings) for our fur friends/family that would be generous …..
K, I just sent your Cali the five lights mentioned above and sparkles. The sparkles mixed with pastel colors/hues can be very healing …. being inside the rainbow is phenomenal. Being sincere energizes the healing touch. LOV: ) Strong
hey Diane I highly recommend Christine Agro .. Beanie has been in and out of emergency lately and tonight I called christine since none of the vets could figure out what was happening. She improved in front of my eyes. It was amazing. Look her up !
http://www.christineagro.com
hello! i just want to thankl,you for sending me this letter to read,i am in the same situation i lost my beloved husband, to live alone and to just keep going hard to explain i loved my husband so much, he is gone and if i could only hold him cloce to me one more,i can not explained,my kidd are so bussy not much time for me, i try to keep bussy thank you so kindly for you information i appriciat every little bit take care …….. ps. Like your style your little dog
I opened my heart to grief before it happened. On March 6, 2014 my Dad Passed. Two weeks before him and I had a long conversation. He said that he couldn’t get out of bed and his right side is numb. I asked him to go to the hospital. He said no, I’m tired. We spoke for an hour about everything. He said I called your Brother, I called you and please ask Frankie who is a long time friend of the family to call him as soon as possible. He said stay on your Spiritual path it works for you and that death is part of life, we don’t live forever. I said Dad when the time comes would you please give me a sign that only you and I know when you get to the other side. He said I will do that. Two weeks later the stroke came. I flew to Texas to be there for him. At one point I asked everyone to please leave the room so I can talk to my Dad. He could not talk but I knew he could hear me. I allowed my heart to open. At first I couldn’t stop crying, then I just thanked him for being my Dad and always being there for me, being my best friend. Everything I wanted to say and more flowed from my mouth.Letting him know that he’s not alone and that his Guardian Angel and Spirit Guides are with him along with his loved ones waiting for him. I told him that I understand and respect his soul’s need to leave if that is what he choices, I don’t like it but I will except it. A half hour went by, afterwards I felt like a different person. I released the pain and had closer. On July 13, 2014 exactly 4 months after his burial( Full military honor ceremony) my Dad came to me. I was very restless going in and out of my body. My dog Oscar next to me. First I felt a presence in front of my bed, then his energy was rubbing my feet. Then he said Niki, Niki. I said daddy I miss and love you! He said thank you, oh I gotta go now. I cried like a baby afterwards. It was so comforting to hear his voice again. When I was a little girl he would rub my feet when I couldn’t sleep. I also have seen him standing in my room looking at me smiling. When I opened my heart in the hospital room it was healing. I know death is not the end but a beginning. I miss him everyday, but I know that he finished his contract here on earth and was ready to go home to God. He is in a better place. It was his choice and it would have been unfair to him for me not to let go. This is my way of healing grief and wanted to share my story with others so they know that their loved ones are always with them.
Hi Colette, I have just heard about you and hear you will be coming to Hamilton, ON, CDA this June and hope to be in your audience. My husband just passed away last May and myself and my children have been struggling with our new reality.
I just wanted to share that there is a small movement starting to happen around here with grief and the bereaved. A small coffee house called the Station 1 House in Grimsby, ON (an old fire hall) is hosting its first “DieAlogue” evening, an evening of excellent company and conversation. It is an opportunity to go join others, have a coffee or a tea and just talk freely about our grief, our loved ones, or not…you know, sometimes just being amongst is enough.
Anyways, just trying to figure things out one day at a time, hope to get tickets to your tour. thanks. Diane
sending you much love to you and your family. The group in Grimsby sounds wonderful and meaningful. look forward to seeing you in Hamilton. oxox
Thank you for these words on writing about grief. I have been keenpig a journal for several years now, but before I started this I had already lost or thrown out the diaries I kept as a child. My sister died age 7 in 1980, so I would have liked to be able to look back on what I wrote as I was growing up. I recently decided to start writing a book about my journey through her death and my healing journey to the present and I found it hard going! It’s still on my to do’ list, although, having written only a few pages, has slipped off the top of the pile. If you have any tips for me, I’d appreciate them!
Collette,
I was looking for your weekly reading video and stumbled upon this. Today is April 8, 2018 and it is the anniversary of my mom’s death.
I can’t tell you how much I needed your words today; I began grieving last night when I went to bed and suddenly felt her presence so strongly it brought me to tears. I needed to release and heal and that’s what has now begun. Your words are helping with the healing process.
I know now that I didn’t ‘stumble’ on to this post; it was most certainly Divinely guided.
Much love and many blessings!
Carol
sending you a really special hug Carol xooxxo